A friend of mine asked me yesterday,
“Why do you do it?”
I am sure that I felt the same way, you are feeling now,
“What did I (he) do?”
I did sound earnest, atleast in my head but my friend looked at me suspiciously,
“Don’t sound like you don’t know what am I talking about”, he came to the point,
“Why did you post a birthday card for her birthday on your wall?”
(Of course, we are talking about facebook walls, how the hell am I going to post a birthday card on ‘my wall’? Silly)
“I don’t know, I just do it”
& I do it every year; same date, on 1201 AM; from last four years, without fail.
“Why?” he questioned, “You know she can't read it, right? She doesn’t know that you exist, she don’t know that you do these things for her, she will never know that you write songs & blogs for her then why? Why do you do it?”
(Perhaps he was right…)
“Instead of posting something on a virtual wall”, he continued, “Why don’t you go & talk to her face to face & get over with it?”
I thought for a moment about what my concerned friend tried to tell me.
& I thought over it bit harder.
Maybe he is right… It's just a stupid idea, after all, what’s the point if the message isn’t sent to the one for whom it is written?
Whatever I do, whatever I write, no matter how deep my words go, no matter how strong I depict my feelings instead of confronting her with those feelings, by doing such act I actually betray my thoughts; I betray my feelings…
But then confronting her isn’t so easy or is it?
I don’t know I never did that before I mean I tried but I failed so bad that I really don’t want to talk about it. It was awful.
As my friend says, I guess I am a coward. Like a person who thinks he is fighting a battle, by hiding behind the curtains & beating around the bushes; but the fact is that deep down in his bones he knew that the battle is already lost.
She is out of my reach, she is out of my horizon & sometimes I feel like a five year old who falls in love with a shining northern star in a beautiful evening sky but then feels helpless, helpless & disturbed, because falling for the shining star was intuitional, but aiming for the star…
She is my shining star, the one that I cannot aim.
Perhaps my friend is right…
OR
Perhaps he is wrong!
Perhaps she knows, perhaps she reads my greeting cards that I posted every year on same date, same time on my wall (still talking about facebook virtual walls).
She is my shining star but I am not a five year old…
My battle isn’t for her, but my battle is to win her.
I write blogs, compose songs & became an inventor (can you imagine, an actual inventor!!) just to prove myself worthy to her.
& perhaps she knows…
I can't confront her directly, maybe later but not now & maybe I use the virtual wall as an open shield but that doesn’t make me coward.
I just type in my feelings whenever I have to say something to her.
My love, my hatred, my ambitions, my feelings for her… Everything, I feel to tell to her I just type it on my wall
(on my wall, partially because I don’t want to make her feel uncomfortable).
It's like sending my word into the universe
(yes, virtual walls of the virtual worlds, do exists in the virtual universe),
In a (strong) hope that the word will be seen, talked about, shared & discussed by hundreds (& thousands!) & the chances of my word reaching to her, without either her or me getting involved, might increase.
I know what you might be thinking
(well, I really don’t but it's good to presume that I really think I know)
But hey, I do believe in the world’s famous law of attraction…
(if you haven’t read the book or saw the movie ~ the Secret, I earnestly request you to go for it)
Whatever I think, whatever I feel I think, all of it when I direct in the universe, somehow it spins the wheels & attracts the elements of my concern…
& I just want to reach to her.
I don’t hope her to fall for me the way I did for her.
I don’t expect her to feel for me the same way I feel for her.
I don’t want to discomfort her by any means.
No, never…
I just want her to know that I exist.
I just want her to know that I care.
I just want her to know that I compose songs, write stupid blogs, became an inventor (I think we have been there, an actual inventor of course) & do all crazy things for her.
Maybe she don’t know & I am too cold to care
(I usually use to persuade our common friend, bless him, to make contact, but now I don’t)
Maybe I am paranoid & things got habitual…
Maybe she will never read this blog, ever, even after I message (facebook messages yes) the url to her…
Maybe I am rambling words, for no reason.
I don’t think I will know about her knowing about me wanting her to know about me, ever…
But one thing is clear from this entire thought process that, I think I might have started doing well as a writer.
Experimenting is the key towards perfection & I really hope you liked my experiment…
Oh, as for my concerned friend, I didn’t puncture him with all my thoughts, but simply told him now isn’t the right time… Of course, one day I will.
ONE DAY I WILL…
